10 weeks is as far as we go
The Rookie Wife, Mom in the making 22 Comments »It’s been a long week and I am glad it has come to an end. I am rested now and at peace with what happened. I want to document every bit because this episode has strengthened me as a person and my faith rejuvenated.
:::Early ultrasound:::
Monday was my scheduled ultrasound. That day I was estimated 9 weeks plus 3 days. I had heartburns before going, but it went down after a while. I was excited to see our little baby. I met up with Bizzi near the clinic. I got the doctor I wanted, Dr. Carsten Trolle. We went in and we started some q & a. Of course I had many questions, but I didn’t get through all of them since ultrasound was the most important aspect of the visit and besides I have other appointments with doctors and midwives to discuss things more lengthily.
I got undressed. Not anymore tensed about having a man gyn. This is the first time I been to a gyn. with my husband. They came and we started the session. Still excited at this point. We saw the yolk sac clearly, but the fetus was so tiny. He said 1-2 mm. For a nine week pregnancy, that’s far too small. He said I probably had a late ovulation and might be just 6 weeks, meaning 3 weeks late. It wouldn’t surprise me because of my irregular cycle and I did get a negative on the first test the day I expected my period. We tried to detect the heart. He said try to find a shiny spot pulsating. Again and again, he turned the stick to try to get a good visual. Until, we got a more stable view and I think my eyes saw some beating. He couldn’t guarantee it, but he think he saw it too. Very unclear.
He said that we could reschedule next week for a new ultrasound. He also asked me to take a bloodtest after the session and another one on wednesday to compare hcg values (hormones-which would rise twice as much every two days if everything is in order). So we wrapped up and the assistant took a blood test. He later came back since he had forgotten to ask the date I got a positive pregnancy test. When I said March 31, he had this thinking face, but didn’t comment. He just said we will know everything on May 2, also the result of the hcg values. I didn’t get a any print out of the ultrasound, but I was counting on next appointment where my baby would be more visible.
:::2nd bloodtest, back to school, lactose intolerant and bleeding:::
After that appointment, I began to be a bit worried, but decided to not speculate too much and just take things normally. There were certain moments I couldn’t help to think that it could turn out for the worse. I talked with mom and sis a lot since then. Tuesday, I was home. Wednesday, I went for my 2nd round of blood test and went to the course to be there for half day. I drank milk and suddenly I had the urge to go to the bathroom really bad. I have had a hunch that I am lactose intolerant for a long time. Most of the time I would drink milk, I would get watery and loose when disposing. I had stopped drinking milk long time ago, but after i heard I was pregnant, I tried to drink it daily. It’s only in the case of milk, but with other dairy products, I don’t have any problem. So I went to the bathroom. I had flushed when I wiped and there on my paper, was blood. Two rounds of wipes I got the same amount. It wasn’t pink and it wasn’t brown, it was light red and sticky. I immediately finished it up, and asked to go earlier. Two minutes away was a clinic. I went in. All gynecologist was occupied, so I had to see a general practitioner. So I waited anxiously. At this point, there were no cramps, so I was still positive in the back of my mind, but at the same time I was scared. I looked up the glass roof and prayed in the waiting room. I called hubby who was sound asleep and asked to be driven home afterward. I didn’t want to carry my books anymore or ride the public transpo in case anything would happen later.
I was seen by an elderly man. He didn’t hear me so much so I kept repeating. He said he would perform a normal gyn. examination (just like with a pap smear). I was shown to the room and waited for the nurse. I was seated and he inserted the instrument and it hurt. But I think I handled it a bit better than sis when she had pap smear. It was bearable, but there were moments when he was twisting it, expanding it and got further in that it really hurt. He said it didn’t look like I lost any fetus as of now. There were no remains and there was a positive sign that the mucus plug (this blocks the uterus from infections and that’s one of the reason why it’s safe to still have sex during pregnancy) was still intact. So I was a bit relieved, but couldn’t help to think that this might escalate.
:::Cramps arrives:::
I slept upon arrival. Woke up around 9 pm being hungry. I tried to sleep again around 10 pm when my hubby left. The cramps started coming at around 12-1:30 am. At this point, dark red and fresh blood came out in bigger quantities and with small lumps (not actually lumps, just a thick collected blood). I took pictures of the papers with blood just in case I would need to show it to the doctor. I knew what was going on and called hubby, but not asking him to come home just yet. I called mom and she tried to calm me down and give me encouragement. She advised me to go the hospital for either getting something to make the baby stay in place (pampakapit) or get the remains out to avoid infection. She also asked me to call my nurse cousin. I was hesitant at first because the time was around 3 am at this time and i didn’t wanna wake him up. But i did and I also asked Bizzi to come home. He said that with cramps, it is most likely that I was in the process of a miscarriage. He also advised us to go to the hospital since the cramps would not disappear if there are still remains. It felt like the pains of a period. Lower area, both back and front had sensations and it was accompanied by cramps in regular intervals. I prayed for strength.
We arrived in the public hospital/ER at 4:15 am. We were informed that at night, the waiting time is long. There were few doctors on shift and the incoming ambulance patients are their priority. I didn’t know that this long time would be 5 hours. Their chairs were hard and it was not good to sit on it with my cramps intensifying. I was very frequent in the restroom. I was still bleeding at this point. Some times more than the other.
We were finally seen at past 9 am. I was exhausted. He didn’t take gyn. examination as the nurse said, but that gave me a relief after all the tests I have gone through lately. The most assuring part of the meeting with him, is that he informed me that d&c is done under anesthesia and I would be asleep through it all. Although it’s a procedure/operation, I wasn’t scared because of the pain reliever and the small chance of complications (bleeding and infection) in this procedure. I was referred to the ullevål hospital’s gynecology polyclinic (main public hospital of Oslo). There, we had to wait another hour. A female gynecologist with a female nurse took me in. She was nice and informative and since i was asking so many questions of what might have gone wrong, she constantly reminded me that this is not my fault. I didn’t cause this with my actions. She used a cold metal instrument to scrape of some blood from the inside and so she could see inside. She also felt inside me while pressing and feeling areas of my tummy. And then ultrasound. She said it was around 3-4 mm, which was bigger than my last ultrasound, but it was so small that it was an insignificant difference. Still no detectable heartbeat, but it was intact. So at least I have no problem with having a baby clamor to me. It was diagnosed a missed abortion after she checked my gynecologist’s result of hcg values. It has gone from 22000 to 19000 (at this point, weirdly enough, I had a spark of hope while she was waiting for the result, until she scribbled down the values on her paper given by the woman on the phone). It was supposed to go from 22000 to 44000 in normal circumstances.
She said that we would schedule a d & c (dilation and curettage) the following day since it would require fasting. She also wanted me to get some rest. The time was around 11 am and I haven’t slept since 9 pm. She also asked me to take a blood test for hcg and rhesus (I was later informed that I was rhesus positive-see its indication here) again for the record. The nurse gave me final instructions and where I would go to the following day (day surgery department) as well as handed me a glove with 3 cytotec pills to insert vaginally. She said it would help open and soften the (?) something. I was unsure what she said, but as I later read this is to stimulate the cervix to open/dilate (dilation-thus the procedure is dilation and curettage). She said it could cause abdominal pains (I later talked to my cousin who wanted to get an update after last night. He informed me that cytotec sort of induced labor and might give contraction like pains. I joked and said that at least I get to practice birth with some contractions. He also said this medicine was sold in Quiapo usually for those who secretly wanted to abort voluntarily). As we were waiting for the blood test, we broke the news to my sister in laws who called Bizzi. They were planning to sleep at our place with the whole family since my mom in law was going to Kurdistan. I didn’t want anyone at home at that point and the house was a bit messy. Obviously, I didn’t want to stress about that too at this point.
:::Back home:::
I thought I would fall to sleep once we got home, but the cramps intensified and I was bleeding more. I had to go frequently to the bathroom. It came to the point that I was crying in pain. I was so exhausted. All the worries since monday, the blood tests, the gyn. exam. and how many times I got different instrument inside of me, the pains, the waiting time and of course the loss of our baby. I reached out to Jehovah to help me through the pains. At around 6 pm to 8 pm, the pains reached a peek and then suddenly a huge discharge (In 3 hours, I changed sanitary napkin twice). I heard that when your body release the remains, it would follow a peek of the pain, but as similar as it was, it didn’t happen. The baby held on. At around 10 pm, I ate burgers. I had no creativity as of where to get food faster I just needed food since at 12 am I was asked to fast because of the general anesthesia . No food, drinks or even pastilles. At this point, the pain started gradually to come down till I was able to move around and even fall asleep.
:::The following day, D & C:::
I slept well although my mind was sort of conscious. Because as I woke up at 5:30 I was wide awake. I was anxious since yesterday because of the cytotec. More pains didn’t actually appeal to me. But before 6:15, as instructed, I had inserted it. I had finished packing my stuff and got dressed in case the pain would come fast and I wouldn’t be able to move around. After having slept ok and body feel rested, I wasn’t anxious at all. I had been calling my mom too a lot and many friends and families encouraged me too. But most of all, the prayers, really pulled me through and I genuinely think that Jehovah heard my prayer in the peek of my pains and released me from the pain to get some sleep. He also relaxed me before the procedure. And the cytotec just gave me mild cramping which was nothing compared to what I had that evening. I came very prepared. A towel in case the cytotec would make the remains come out. I didn’t want to spill blood on the car dad in law left for us while he is in Kurdistan. A pillow to help me through the pain if it came in the car. A pant to change in to in case I would have stain my current sweat pants, extra napkins a plastic bag in case I would be vomit from the anesthesia or of other reasons. And so forth. My greatest comfort was my bible. Kari who studies the bible with me, mom and Amor C. left me some verse in the scriptures for comfort. With classical music, a request to hubby to stay positive (not whine on traffic and minor things) and my bible and prayers, I was calm and positive all the way. Relieved that I would have a conclusion of it all and move on.
We came earliest of all and after an hour, we were called in. I had some cramps but I just took some deep breathes to go through it. First, we were brought to an office where a nurse walked us through the procedure, gave me a name tag and asked me questions for the anesthesia. Then after that, me and hubby parted ways. I was put in a room filled with beds with surrounding curtains. We were gonna stay here till it was our turn for the operation room. I changed to the hospital dress which I thought was a towel at first. It was comfy. I went to the rest room as I was instructed to do. The nurse in charge of me gave me two paracets to help relieve any pain after, before and during the d & c with just a bit of water to get it down with. I also text my hubby that I love him and assured him that Jehovah is looking after me. And then, I heard the anesthesia nurse on the bed to the left. And then he came to me. Strapped me, but the veins was still flat, so he tapped me, unstrapped, strapped again till it appeared and he inserted the needle or the thingy where they would inject a fluid something inside of that. The nurse had problems inserting on both bed to the left and right, but mine went well.
After a while, my nurse came back to insert the fluid. She said I might feel dizzy. I did feel light headed immediately. And soon after, they rolled my bed to the operating room. There were many persons there. They wrapped my arms around after I transferred to the operating chair to make sure I wouldn’t fall since I would be fast asleep. I got the mask and inhaled. I felt sleepier and sleepier. Next thing I know, my nurse taps me and I am right back on my bed on the first room I was in. It was like I was snapped back in a blink of an eye. It was the best short sleep ever. She had some bread and juice for me. I noticed there was a green cloth in between my legs to catch my blood, and sure enough I had a huge discharge shortly after I was conscious. I felt nothing. No pain. No cramps. Like they didn’t do anything. It was sad too that at this point, I knew my baby wasn’t in me anymore. The baby that I have nourished the past weeks and who brought so much joy to us. But then again, I felt also a relief that it was over and we could start anew.
The lady in the bed beside me started to have really strong pains and was crying. She was given some medicine, but since it took some time, they had to inject her with something with immediate relief. I wanted to reach out to her, but I thought it may not be appropriate.
I called my hubby. He asked if I was ok and if i had any more pains. I said everything was fine. The nurse said that I looked well so fast and that I could get dressed and get ready to go home. I even folded all the beddings and threw all the food and junk from the table. We went to the office again where she gave me a sick leave from yesterday and today and since it was holiday, she didn’t include monday. She also informed me of things I shouldn’t do and what to expect and gave me a paper that summarized just that. And then I was out of there. Hubby came just as I went out the door. I was happy to see him again.
Btw, more info on D & C through this informative slideshow in link below:
:::At home again:::
I slept in the living room. And it was a nice sleep free from pain. All I have left is some ticklish sensation. I heard in the background, my hubby cleaning the whole house. It smelled good and clean around me. He was so caring and sweet. After I woke up he even asked me to make a list of what we need of groceries. Since this happened to me, I have walked slow and no sudden movements. The bleeding gets less and less. The following day, I can see a significant reduction.
:::After D & C:::
Here is what I was informed:
- It is normal with menslike bleeding the first 2-3 days. The bleeding shall normally disappear greadually by 2-3 weeks.
- The first days, I might experience menslike pains. A mix of ibuprofen and paracetamol can be used for relief. Any pain stronger than that in the next 2-4 should be reported to the hospital.
- To avoid infection, no bath in bath tub (just shower), no sex, no tampons and no douching till the bleeding has disappeared. If my temperature were to go above 38 degrees, without having a cold, contact the hospital.
- The menstruation will be back after 4-6 weeks.
- Then there are pointers on birth control if you use pills or spiral, but I don’t so it’s not applicable to me. Here is the thing: the day after the operation, you can start on the pills. If spiral is inserted the same day, a check up with your doctor is recommended after 3 months.
- A couple should wait to try to conceive after first completing one menstruation cycle. Becasue hcg values goes down gradually, and you might be confused if you get a positive pregnancy test, if this is from hcg remains from last pregnancy or if you really are pregnant. And I assume that the body also need some time to recuperate.
:::Reasons for posting this:::
I decided to be as detailed as possible, because:
- This is such an important event in our life. I want to document it. It gave me strength and I learned a lot from this and it even gave us hope. And I want to put my baby’s life in my diary.
- I want others who are going through the same to know what to expect and be aware of everything. Doing research has helped a lot as I knew what was going on and not be so scared. Not knowing makes the situation worse.
:::My journal:::
So I didn’t get to fill my pregnancy journal, but I will still treasure it. Our baby will still be very much a part of our life and I want, if we are blessed with kids in the future, to know about our first fruit of love.
:::Other Signs and Symptoms:::
In this week, I felt my tummy flatter and weight went down. Also by tuesday, the gas I had trouble with disappeared. The sore breasts had disappeared a long time ago. Although for you who read this, not having pregnancy symptoms like vomiting is not an indication that something is wrong. Some gets away with this. Here was my tummy at its peek before it flattened:
The symptoms that stayed with me till the end was constant hunger and frequent toilet visits.
:::The Cause:::
I could drive myself crazy looking for an answer. A why. They don’t usually examine the tissues until a 3rd involuntarily abortion. This is normal practice.
At first I was blaming myself for things going wrong. Was it the carrying of groceries, the walks or the not being able to sleep because of the gas or waking up late because of the gas and not being able to eat early in some days. Was it the stress. Was it the trip to Singapore where I had a fever the first day and I took a paracet? And then I walked a lot there and went hungry because of problem with our card. Endless speculations. But i was a good mother. I took care of my child. I stayed happy most of the time. I did the best I can.
I am more leaning toward the chromosome factor which is the most common in missed abortions. Wrong number of chromosomes that led to early pregnancy failure.
Whatever the cause, I vow to learn from this and practice more caution next time.
:::The tale of Noah:::
Noah is one of the names I wanted if it was a boy. Since we are a couple, we have to compromise and find a name we both loved. Noah Nathaniel was my choice, but not my hubby’s preference. I therefore asked him if I can at least have my will on this one and call our unborn child, Noah.
Noah in the bible gives us hope that when Jehovah God’s day comes, we have a genuine hope to be rescued.
In the same manner, Noah gave us hope. He is not to us a sign of despair and of giving up because it went wrong this time. Before I always have been paranoid that I could never bear children. Even before I was diagnosed with PCOS. Now, Noah proved to us as our labor of love, that we are able to conceive. Most of the times we spoke with our loved ones in this week, most of them told a story of how someone experienced a miscarriage, most during their first. I am more convinced that this is a normal occurrence and not an indication that we will never bear a child successfully. The fetus was nicely attached to the uterus. It kept its grip till it had to be removed through d & c. As mentioned, an indication that I have no problem with having a child “attach” to me. Amor also said that a d & c cleansed the uterus which may make it better for the next conception.
Noah also helped strengthen my faith to Jehovah. During the late phase of the pregnancy, I neglected my spiritual needs. When the whole thing happened, the prayers was the biggest relief. And I am certain that Jehovah helped me go through this. I saw the importance of prayers once again. And sometimes when I am negligent in spiritual aspects, I don’t pray as much, seeing myself not worthy and afraid he won’t listen to me because of my shortcomings. But this proved that these are the times that I should be reaching out to Him. In my weakest points. He never gave up on me.
Noah also helped me changed my ways. My way of eating and taking care of myself, and I plan to continue with this. This time for my own sake and for preparing my body to receive a new baby. I learned a lot through Noah. A lot of pregnancy stiff and nourishment facts that will do me well in the next pregnancy.
Noah will always stay in my heart. And I loved him from the start as he was already in my arms as a full grown baby.
:::The Human Factor:::
In this week I was filled with words of comfort from families and friends.Thank you so much to everyone. They cried with me and shared my pain and kept assuring me that this was normal and that we will be more successful next time. They sent prayers my way.
The nurses and physicians were also very sympathetic. Even the secretaries who I called to cancel my appointments in the future.
My in law family has been so supportive. My sis in law Hawin who joined us in the Philippines, even didn’t want to speak with me because she would just break down and cry when she first found out so she sent me a text message instead. She was so broken about it that she couldn’t concentrate at work. They were all together at home because mom was leaving to Kurdistan. One by one they talked to me to comfort me and they said that I should never hesitate to call them when I need something because we are family, we are one. They also said that in my next pregnancy, I would just lie down and they would come and clean the house and make food whether I liked it or not.
My family is my forte. They are the most wonderful unit on earth. I just love them to pieces. Just the voice of mom is comfort enough for me. I wish I was with them.
My friends sent me text after text, with the most sincere compassion. And in the forums, my digiscrapping friends and wedding companions really showered me with the most soothing words ever. I received emails to ease my pain. It was one of my greatest relief. To feel the love. To know how many cared about me.
I am so thankful and appreciative that Jehovah constantly surrounds me with loved ones.
My husband and I during the times we lacked sleep, had arguments. At first it added to the wound, but after we were both rested, he was the sweetest thing. It made me realize that his lack of sympathy and compassion during those times, was a mix of external factors like sleep (kumbaga di personal/not because of him as a person), but his love is always there. As strong as ever. he works hard with his graveyard shifts. All of these events, turned his sleep around. He also, as me, suffered the loss, although he said that it was better this way, than me coming far in the pregnancy. I guess that would be more pain physically and mentally. He was a great support and his hands held mine most of the time.
So I end this chapter in my life, and with enthusiasm look forward to our next chapter. Thanks to everyone who shared the joy and the pains in this pregnancy.
